Five Bits

Horse vs. Car
My money’s on horse. Because—hear me out—oh, wait, car would win. Vroom—yeah, I can see how car could win. Vroom—yeah. O.K. I am changing my answer to vroom. I mean car. There. Car is my answer. Vroom. I get it. I get it from the “Vroom.” I say, “Vroom,” and then I figure it out. Vroom. Heh. Vroom. Nope—I am changing my answer back to horse. Horse would win. Oh, wait. There was something I used to say to myself; it would convince me. “Horse,” I think it was. No, wait. Yeah. Car. Car would win. Car, but I’m not sure of my answer.

Optical Illusion Complaints
“Welcome to the Optical Illusion Complaints office, or “O.I.C.”—“Oh, I see.”—Oh, I see; it’s a pun. I get it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I guess I should I say, ‘Oh, I see.’ Heh heh heh heh heh heh. I work at a pun office. Heh heh heh heh heh heh. Oh, I see. I keep saying that. Heh heh heh, if I keep saying it, I must have made the pun up! Oh, I see. Whoa! Oh, I see. So, thank you for waiting; how may I help you better understand your optical illusion or whatever it’s called, I mean, who cares, I can make up puns, that’ll be my fall-back, who needs this job?”

Hold on, hold on, hold on—let me live. Also, come back here. Directions—what’s the best way to get back to the city? May I have your car? Will you drive me, be my chauffeur? Just until I get to safety? What are you good at? Will you teach it to me? I’ll pay you. Here, take everything I have. Too soon? Heh heh heh heh, I’m just messing with you. Too soon? Heh heh heh. What if I’m always saying that to you? “Too soon.” You’ll be the “too soon” guy. Too soon? Get it? Saying that to you was too soon? Heh heh, I never liked that expression. You really don’t like it. You just about hate it. Here—carry my bags? Can I have one of the bags back? Here, I don’t want it. I changed my mind, can I have one of the bags? Take one of the bags back. Can I have one of the bags back? Now, can I have two of the bags? What do you mean you lost count of the bags?!! Can I have that hat? What is the meaning of it? Why did you wear that hat? Heh heh heh heh, it’s a funny hat, but, like, weird-funny. Heh heh heh heh, where did you get a dumb hat like that? Funny hat. [Looks around.] What do you mean you lost track of the bags?!!!

Comical Drawings
I need to stop lying. My comical drawings are not going to pay for my web of lies anymore. Wait, what comical drawings? Arrrghhh! This has to stop. Hmmm, maybe I can sell some of my comical drawings, and—no. No. Lies. Lies, all lies! No wonder they don’t let me do a comical drawings. Comical drawings??!???!?!?!!!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving
These are the things that get me by in life: having little to be thankful for; Fear (the book, not the terrible emotion); fear the emotion (not the book—I actually haven’t read Fear; I hear it’s good); the book Fear again—I am obsessed with this book (anyone know where I can find a copy?); little things to be fearful of; Fear (the book—again—not only have I not read it, I have not read it twice—new kind of humblebrag?); fear (the emotion, not the famous short bit); self-help books; Fear (the book, though I still haven’t read it); the book Fear; Fear (the emotion and the book—I actually haven’t felt the emotion; therefore, does the book count? Could I maybe count the book as the emotion, and vice versa? That would help; I am the one making this list); that Fear book; fear of the Fear book; Fear (the emotion); Fear (sic); Fear (ibid), Fear (book); Fear (five); fear. These are the things that don’t get me by in life: nothing—I have fear to worry about.