Golden Age

At Confession

Man: Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been five months since my last confession. These are my sins. I rejoiced over the death of somebody I once deeply cared for. This person was not a good man—in fact, he committed some horrific, altogether heinous acts. But he had repented. And yet when I saw him hanged, in a public square, before bloodthirsty Iranian masses, I could not help but rejoice in his execution.

Priest: Are you…excuse me, but are you talking about Brody, from Homeland?

Man: Yes, Father. Yes, I am.

Priest: Oh, come on! That character had gotten so annoying!

Man: I know, right? Phew! I can’t tell you how relieving it is to hear you say that.

Priest: If I had to endure one more scene of Carrie crying over him, I swear, I was about to lose all faith. In the show, that is.

Man: The thing is, the writers put Brody in a corner. If he had survived any longer, Homeland would have lost—

Priest: Any credibility. Have you watched True Detective?

Man: No, I’ve been really busy at work.

Priest: Hmmm.

Man: I should watch it, shouldn’t I?

Priest: It’s only an eight-episode arc.

Man: Okay, okay! Forgive me Father, for I have sinned! [Laughter]

At the Therapist

Man: So, work has been going much better the last couple of weeks. I think I resolved things with my supervisor. And I feel fairly confident about how I approached the situation. It’s funny, but you know what I keep mentally comparing it to? In the new season of House of Cards, when Frank Under—

Therapist: I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to cut you off there.

Man: Excuse me?

Therapist: My wife and I are still working our way through season one.

Man: Really? I mean, the new season has been up for, like, months.

Therapist: Well, we had gotten off of Netflix around the time that it debuted and…look, long story short, with all the hype about the second season, we decided to take the plunge. But we’re still behind.

Man: Where are you?

Therapist: Frank just visited that shady Warren Buffett stand-in.

Man: Oh, okay. You’re in for some crazy surprises. It’s a good show. Not Breaking Bad–good, but still really smart.

Therapist: I do find it interesting that before I cut you off, you were about to divulge information about the plot, without giving me the benefit of a spoiler alert. You automatically assumed that I had watched exactly what you had watched. I can’t help but think this conforms with a pattern of egocentric behavior that we have discussed in the past.

Man: Um…have you started The Americans yet?

At Saint Peter’s Gate

Saint Peter: You lived a clean, honest life.

Man: Thank you. I mean, that’s a huge compliment especially coming from, you know, you.

Saint Peter: [Looking through his copious notes] Hmph. That’s interesting.

Man: What? Is it…it’s that thing in junior high, isn’t it?

Saint Peter: No, no. I just find it unfortunate that you never found time to watch The Wire.

Man: You too? I mean, for the record, I did give it a shot. The show just didn’t make sense to me.

Saint Peter: You watched one episode in the middle of season two! Which, I have to say, was by far the worst season. It would be like opening Crime and Punishment to a random page and dismissing it—and, yes, I am fully aware that you didn’t read that, either. Just do yourself a favor and watch season one of The Wire.

Man: I can watch it here?

Saint Peter: Of course. It is heaven, you know.

Man: Wow—what a game-changer. I mean, I was kicking myself for dying before Mad Men concluded.

Saint Peter: You’re literally the fourth person today to say that.

Man: Also, when I got sick, I somehow fell behind on Girls.

Saint Peter: Um…I’m really sorry, but you won’t have HBO.

Man: Really? Just because I didn’t watch The Wire?

Saint Peter: No. Because of that thing in junior high. Look…you didn’t hear it from me, but if you ask around, I’m sure you’ll find someone amenable to sharing their HBO Go password.