HQ3

 

August 4, 2026 – Eight years ago, few predicted that Amazon would acquire Netflix, Hulu, Spotify, Barnes & Noble, Trader Joe’s, U.P.S., and FedEx, to say nothing of the United States Postal Service. What’s not in doubt is that Amazon’s massive growth is staggering. Less than a decade after the company’s search for a second headquarters, Amazon is now ready to expand to a third city. As with the 2018 search, the company accepted pitches from cities far and wide, and has narrowed the list to 20 finalists. (Hard to believe that Tucson came in 21st, even after the mayor threatened that five out of six city council members would forgo Prime if it was passed over.) Here is the list of contenders for a third Amazon headquarters, accompanied by excerpts from each proposal.

Washington, D.C.
Our nation’s capital boasts monuments, museums and what would be a super easy commute for incoming Federal Trade Commission Chairman Jeff Bezos.”

Denver, Colorado
“Just say the word and cocaine is legal.”

Cleveland, Ohio
“Our second grade teacher told us that you can defuse mockery by making fun of yourself first, so here we go: What you’ve heard is true. Our river used to catch on fire. With some frequency.”

Bentonville, Arkansas
“Screw it. We give up.”

Minneapolis, Minnesota
“Same.”

Brooklyn, New York
“Still the best BBQ in the U.S.A.”

Hangzhou, China
“We have viewed your Godfather Part II, which, we believe, is not necessarily superior to the first movie, as many film critics have opined. Sometimes, we just want to watch the De Niro throwback scenes and fast-forward through all of the Hyman Roth parts, which we find to be quite boring. Nevertheless, a quote from the film seems pertinent as far as your relationship with our Alibaba goes: ‘Keep your friends close but your enemies closer.’”

San Antonio, Texas
“You guessed correctly: We’re going to talk up the River Walk.”

London, England
“It’s come to our attention that Elon Musk is working on a sort of high-speed, transatlantic transportation tube that will connect the Merrie Olde to your Eastern seaboard.”

Muskville, Mars
“Landed on Mars instead.”

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
“We get the feeling that we were spurned the last go-round because of antics in the wake of the Eagles’s Super Bowl win. Look, we get it: that horse poop guy and, then, pretty much all of the other guys, too. But, we swear we have lots of great art and culture and all of that crap here. Plus, we’re working on our pronunciation of the word ‘water.’ Quick question, though: The Phillies just landed a hot new prospect, so we’re wondering if you guys sell Ritz-Carlton awnings?”

Indianapolis, Indiana
“Please?”

San Junipero
“Since every Black Mirror episode is eventually going to play out in real life, you might as well choose the most positive situation.”

Manaus, Brazil
“Everything here is already called ‘Amazon’ this or that, so you will save a ton on signage.”

Eastern Idaho
“During the HQ2 search, you were accepting applications from nebulous locations like Northern Virginia. So, we figured we’re cool, too.”

Trash Island a.k.a. Isle of Dogs, Japan
“If you say ‘Isle of Dogs’ rapidly it sounds like ‘I love dogs.’ Not picking us would kind of be like saying, ‘I hate dogs,’ which seemingly would complicate your recent takeover of Chewy.com. This is a threat.”

Irvine, California
“We lean pretty heavily on our parks system here.”

Singapore
“Amazon employees are allowed to chew gum.”

Atlanta, Georgia
“There was a bit of a snag last time around with that whole ‘punishing Delta for cutting ties with the N.R.A.’ deal. To show we’re pro-business now, we will dunk former Lieutenant Governor Casey Cagle in a giant vat of Chick-Fil-A Sauce. It’s really sticky.”

Boston, Massachusetts
“Playing the Harvard card since 1636.”