Learn Like a Pro
Learning Annex Course Offerings for the Fall
Sleep with Your Ex Like the Champion You Are
All too often people leave a relationship before the crucial transitional sex has ended. This class teaches you how to effectively drunk dial your ex, check your emotions at the door, and explore sexual positions that were previously off limits or reserved for statutory holidays. Learn a bevy of exit strategies that will leave you on top while avoiding unflattering morning light and the disingenuous breakfast offer.
Juggling: Not Just for Clowns
Do you have two hands? Then you can probably juggle. Maybe you failed physical education and lack intellectual or artistic skills, but you can still stand out at parties and get dates (although some might have to learn to juggle sharp objects and/or eat fire). Many a numbskull has mastered juggling. You can, too. While being a redhead is not a prerequisite, it does help.
Stop Dressing Like You’re Steve Jobs
A requirement of our Entrepreneur Certificate Series, dressing like a billionaire is important if you’re going to be a billionaire. But you’ll never be a billionaire if you look like a dumb-ass copycat of Steve Jobs. Anyone can dress like an understudy for Mummenschanz. Don’t be afraid to stand out! We’ll explore such distinctive clothing accoutrements as scarves, hats, headbands, monocles, bracelets, and cuff links to help you develop a distinctive, singular personal brand—and get rich!
Stop Dressing Like You’re Mark Zuckerberg
Definition of pathetic. You could at least dress like Steve Jobs—classy turtleneck and sporty jeans—but instead you’re mimicking faux-cool, hoodie-wearing Mark Zuckerberg, who’s nothing but a wannabe Steve Jobs. Have some self-esteem. Sure, sometimes it does get chilly, so buy a leather jacket. Get a life. Even if you are a billionaire.
(Prerequisite: Stop Dressing Like You’re Steve Jobs)
You’re An Entrepreneur. Now What?
You just received the Learning Annex’s Entrepreneur Certificate and it looks smashing on your wall, but you don’t have a business idea yet. What’s next? Come to our Tuesday night Entrepreneur Social to network with other Learning Annex entrepreneurs and dominate the business world in the 21st century. Drive-thru salad bars! Bedazzled hoodies with thumbholes! Remember, ideas are everywhere.
You’re Enlightened. Now what?
The Buddha had the same problem. What to do with all of this groovy new knowledge (and he didn’t even have the Learning Annex’s Enlightenment Certificate). Spiritual knowledge is nothing without a good plan to get rich while helping others. Learn how to make people bow in your presence, linger on your every word, and give you money because you’re so enlightened they would be foolish not to.
(Prerequisite: Finance 101 and Making Money on the Internet)
The Phone Rings, But I Don’t Want to Answer It: Communication in the 21st Century
Your mom is stuck in the early ’90s. She still calls you, even though you don’t answer the phone. Fortunately, we live in an age where it is possible to feel loved without hearing anyone tell you they love you. Your mom needs to know this.
Cooking in Your Toaster
Someday you’ll be able to afford a microwave, and maybe even a real stove, but for now all you have is your mom’s old toaster. That doesn’t mean it’s game over. You can still cook with flair. Wrap an English muffin, baloney, and Velveeta in tin foil for a nice lunch. Make tuna, cheddar, and sun dried tomatoes in a tortilla the next time you invite a date over. Remove batteries from smoke alarm for best results.
(Prerequisite: How to Parallel Park)
What to Do If Your Avatar Girlfriend Doesn’t Have a Sense of Humor
Wait a minute, you’re having trouble with your avatar girlfriend? You told her that her new dress made her look chubby, and then she got all snippy and won’t make out with you? This class will teach you how to search for online pornography. No muss, no fuss.
Prerequisite: Phenomenology 101
I Feel Uncomfortable When People Make Racist Statements: Social Manners for a New Era
Your Uncle Earl still calls African-Americans “colored people” even though you told him “people of color” is correct. Still, sometimes you wonder, “Why can Chris Rock make jokes about white people, but we can’t make fun of black people?” Uncle Earl would say, “When are we going to stop being punished for slavery?” Does he have a point? Wouldn’t you just like to forget that race exists? Learn how and have more fun with your colored friends.
Surrender the Artist Within and Find Your Perfect Day Job at Last
You should have listened to your mother. There’s no shame in being an average middle-class person who doesn’t dream of a more exciting life. You didn’t look right in those tight leather pants. You sound like a hick when you speak French. What’s wrong with going to the outlet mall every Sunday? In this course, learn how to find joy in the self you once thought was pathetic.
Prerequisite: Shopping for Khakis and Scrapbooking! Scrapbooking! Scrapbooking!
Let’s Talk About Your Cat Some More
Because why not? Your cat is funny. Your cat does the craziest things. She’s sitting there right now looking at you as if she can read your mind. How did she get smarter than you? Why does she try to hypnotize you when you’re stoned? Will she suffocate you while you’re asleep? If you need someone to listen to you talk cat, this class is for you.
Prerequisite: Are Dogs Better than Cats? and Why Are Ferrets Pets?
How to Get Anyone, Anywhere, Anytime to Make You A Baloney Sandwich
Please make sure you bring baloney, bread, mayonnaise, and mustard to each class. Vegetarians, this is not for you. Watch for our “I’m So Tired of Defending Tofu” course coming next term.
Doilies! Doilies! Doilies!
Don’t use those cheap store-bought paper doilies at your next dinner party. Distinguish yourself from your K-Mart friends by joining the DIY movement and crafting what we prefer to call “genteel woolens.” In this class, we use recycled, compostable materials. Consider yourself an artisan.
Prerequisite: What Does DIY Mean and Why Is It a Good Thing?
Enjoy Your Jacuzzi Like a Pro
Part one of a five-part series. Bathing suits and basic geometry skills required. No sexual activity allowed except in rare cases.
A recent study showed that as many as 90% of Americans don’t know how to use a Jacuzzi properly. Many fail to achieve the proper inflection point while maneuvering their lower back over a pulsating stream and seriously injure themselves, or drown while positioning their feet on a jet. A Jacuzzi can be a sensuous, lovemaking place for couples of all shapes, sizes, genders, ages, economic backgrounds and races. Learn more before you jump in.
How to Adopt Pudgy Western Infant
Tired of Caucasians coming to your country and leaving with an orphan kid or two under their arms? Fed up of seeing Angelina Jolie’s bratty third-world tribe walking around as if they’ve solved the world’s problems? Reduce the baby trade deficit by learning how to adopt a white American cherub or two.
Caveat: Western babies are known to eat more, and might require hi-def TV and full cable access
I’m All Fucked Up. Now What?*
It happens to the best of us, even if we graduated with honors from I’m Englightended. Now What? Sometimes you’ve just got to get fucked up. Wasted. Blitzed. Gobsmacked. But it’s not the end of the world. This is a primer course for getting back on your feet before enrolling in The Learning Annex Survival Guide: What Did I Do Wrong?
Coming soon:
• Change Your Cubicle, Change Your Life
• Learn to Draw Hands at Last
• How to Pick the Right Bowling Ball If You Have a Big Thumb.
* Since we’re bringing you so many great classes this week, please note that some courses will be held offsite at the following location: Barney’s Wholesale Carpet Shack, 1643 Liberty Ave., Long Island, NY. Parking in rear. Barney is generously offering a 6% discount for all your industrial carpeting needs.