NYC Traffic Study
In conjunction with New York’s Vision Zero initiative, which aims to eliminate all traffic fatalities in the city within a decade’s time, our committee has concluded its study of New York’s sundry traffic hazards. Here are our findings.
The New York Police Department, while doing yeoman’s work in its ticketing of cars that have been illegally parked for more than nine seconds, could take more aggressive steps to curtail unsafe driving. The department’s policy of allowing exotic sports cars to travel at triple-digit speeds, on the theory that “they seem more comfortable going fast,” should be reconsidered. And while motorcyclists do, at times, “look really scary,” that should not give them carte blanche to roar through the city’s streets like Genghis Khan’s Mongol warriors rampaging through Eurasia.
The current prerequisites for a taxi driver’s hack license—“a pulse, change for a twenty, and an unquenchable thirst for danger”—prove woefully inadequate. The Taxi & Limousine Commissioner of Responsible Driving (the well-intended yet overtaxed Popeye Doyle) would be wise to institute a handful of reforms. Henceforth, all cab drivers should be dissuaded from attempting to break the sound barrier in the intervals between red lights. The alarming percentage of cabbies who learned to drive by mimicking the motions of actors steering against blue screens in old-time movies should be encouraged to pursue their driver’s education through more formal channels. Note that courses completed at Coney Island’s Eldorado Bumper Car attraction should no longer count toward accreditation.
When transporting documents within the city, businesses currently call upon former extras from The Warriors to ferry the papers on battered bicycles, beseeching pedestrians to steer clear in vocal intonations typically associated with Godzilla. Those bystanders who do not immediately suffer heart attacks are left to scramble to the curb and check in with loved ones regarding the precariousness of life. Moving forward, businesses should consider sending their documents via e-mail—a safer, albeit slower, alternative.
Our study takes issue with the city’s system of waste management, in which a team of blindfolded men race 25-ton trucks through residential streets while their colleagues leap on and off the vehicles with the prudence of lucha libre wrestlers. More than a few drivers were found to be using their steering wheels to practice for potential appearances on Wheel of Fortune. Also misbegotten: the department’s “take your son to work and let him drive” day.
Of even greater concern are out-of-town drivers—or, in the parlance of science, “imbecilic ignorami of the highest order.” Particularly hazardous is the longstanding tradition of overshooting a crosswalk, abruptly throwing one’s car into reverse, and then bewilderedly lurching forward, all while the driver hyperventilates into a yellow M&M’s World bag. And while taking a right turn on a red light is verboten in New York, since the city’s streets were laid out in 1656, no tourist has yet to abide by the rule.
Finally, it is our recommendation that all New Jersey drivers traversing Manhattan should be accompanied by police escorts to thwart the maniacally quick turns and terrifying accelerations that are their raison d’être. Obviously, in order to approach Vision Zero’s expressed goal, motorists of Massachusetts provenance must be banned from city limits.