One-Liners II

My cat died, so no funeral.

People think they can just waltz to 4/4 time.

Did I say, “conscious”? I meant, “couscous.”

My new series of bumper stickers:

1. My Kid Is an Idiot.
2. What’d My Idiot Kid Do This Time?
3. Honor Society?!!

If I fall off my bike any more times, they are going to trim off my handlebar moustache.

Everpurple trees turn red in the spring; “everpurple” is a misnomer.

Two Wrights make a plane.

I know it must be cold in here because the cue card above my head reads, “Brrrrrr.”

I have a stain on the cuff of my pants, but I work on the first floor, so no one’ll notice.

Seeking a domestic partner: someone to cook, bake, boil, broil, grill, fry, pan-broil, stir-fry, par-boil, stew, braise, barbecue, char-broil, sauté, cure, deep-fry, casserole, steam, smoke, tempura, pressure-cook, render, roast, toast, oven-roast, pot-roast, spit-roast, curry, gut, bone, fillet, can, preserve, pickle, bread, poach, peel, pare, core, chop, cut, dice, slice, grind, shred, grate, mince, spice, flavor, season, salt, butter, julienne, prepare a decent meal, devil, reheat, heat, microwave, brown, scrape, scour, rinse, drain, strain, clean, cleanse, sweep, mop, wipe, disinfect, wipe up, clean up, clean around, clean under, spruce up, tidy up, tidy, neaten, neaten up, groom, clean about the house, valet, trim, wash, wipe down, sponge off, wipe off, drip-dry, shave, mop up, scour, scrub, swab, clean it, dust, polish, whisk, vacuum, do the household cleaning, comb, shine, buff, whitewash, bleach, launder, do the washing, starch, dry-clean, iron, rub, wring out, caulk, rewire, strip, paint, reupholster, repaint, put on an extra coat of paint, sand, plane, saw, nail, screw, nail up, sew, mend, stuff, re-shingle, renovate, carbolize, re-heel, scuff up, shine, tan, buckle, mow, rake, weed, weed-whack, leaf-blow, pick up the litter, garden, and spring-clean. You know, clean.

When my computer asked me was I sure I want to close a program and risk losing unsaved changes, and to click either “O.K.” or “Cancel,” I clicked “Cancel” because I thought “O.K.” meant, “good point.”

I like that rush hour traffic.

Q: What did the mirror say to the invisible man?
A: You’re not there.

At the bank, they asked me how I wanted my savings, and I replied, “Heath bar.”

A cyclist yelled at me to “Wake up!” so I told him, “Go to sleep!”

Stutterer’s motto: “Easier done than said.”

You can’t blame a guy for trying if he never does.

It’s all shit except fucking.

The first few seconds after you’ve locked yourself to a chain-link fence, you’re actually still O.K., because you’re doing what you would have been doing anyway—sitting by the fence. The experience of being locked might be interesting, or the coolness of the chain might be pleasant as a feel; but, soon, it becomes clear that you wouldn’t have wanted to be sitting next to that chain-link fence for this long a period of time.