Watch Out: I have a certificate that reads, “Sense of Accomplishment.”
Idea: What about an audio disc for drivers, of cats mewing?
Attention, Friends: In a misunderstanding, my heart was given to Roland Thompson. Now that guy has two hearts. Arrggh, I hate that guy! [Drops dead.]
Excerpts from My Mental Notes:
1. That thing you always think is wrong—do the opposite
2. I am wrong. This thought I have can’t possibly be right. Remember to think this other, nonsense thought every time.
3. Try thinking own very wrong thoughts in a different order.
4. Aha! You found me! I planted this worthless mental note!
5. Put a lot of animals in my humor.
Spouse’s Ultimatum: Can’t love me? Buy!
Punny Relationship Ultimatum: You and what are me?
Little-Spoken Fact about Life: The hurts truth.
Hipster Band Name: Milk When You’re Expecting Orange Juice
Dad Joke: Q: What do you get when you sneeze while eating nachos? A: “Nachoo!”
Regular Joke: Q: What’s worse than a vomitorium? A: A vomiteria.
Random Funny Thing to Say Using a Character Name from The Simpsons: All should be well if this goes through, Disco Stu.
I Will Leave You with This: There is nothing worse than being none the wiser.