One-Liners III

Watch Out: I have a certificate that reads, “Sense of Accomplishment.”

Idea: What about an audio disc for drivers, of cats mewing?

Attention, Friends: In a misunderstanding, my heart was given to Roland Thompson. Now that guy has two hearts. Arrggh, I hate that guy! [Drops dead.]

Excerpts from My Mental Notes:

1. That thing you always think is wrong—do the opposite
2. I am wrong. This thought I have can’t possibly be right. Remember to think this other, nonsense thought every time.
3. Try thinking own very wrong thoughts in a different order.
4. Aha! You found me! I planted this worthless mental note!
5. Put a lot of animals in my humor.

Spouse’s Ultimatum: Can’t love me? Buy!

Punny Relationship Ultimatum: You and what are me?

Little-Spoken Fact about Life: The hurts truth.

Hipster Band Name: Milk When You’re Expecting Orange Juice

Dad Joke: Q: What do you get when you sneeze while eating nachos? A: “Nachoo!”

Regular Joke: Q: What’s worse than a vomitorium? A: A vomiteria.

Random Funny Thing to Say Using a Character Name from The Simpsons: All should be well if this goes through, Disco Stu.

I Will Leave You with This: There is nothing worse than being none the wiser.