Reviewed on Yelp: Michael Chandler, Customer

Michael Chandler (Cincinnati, Ohio)

Reviewer: Big Ed’s Diner

In general, Michael is a pretty good customer. He comes in like clockwork at 1:30pm, roughly three days a week. He always sits at the counter and is polite, if not talkative. One annoying thing: We have a really broad menu, but Michael always orders a tuna melt sandwich. He’s never even tried anything else. It seems narrow-minded. How does he know that the tuna melt is not the worst thing on our menu? (It’s down there.) Also, while Michael’s sanitation is up to code, it is hardly ideal.

Reviewer: Lincoln Movers

We arrived at Michael’s apartment to find an absolute mess. About two-thirds of his stuff was in boxes, but the rest of his crap was just scattered around the floor, as if he had started preparing for the move the previous day and then got lazy. So we had to essentially pack for him, which added at least an hour to the job. Once we started loading his boxes onto the truck, Michael made a feeble attempt to help, which proved distracting. Just by looking at him, it’s obvious that this is a guy who can barely lift a dictionary. Not surprisingly, when the bill came, he made a big stink and claimed he was being overcharged. Which is ridiculous. Movers would never do that—it goes against every ethic of our profession.

Reviewer: Coffee Connection

Michael is an amazingly gracious customer and generous tipper—so long as an attractive woman is working the counter. Otherwise, he is rather curt and pretends not to notice the tip cup at all. His eyes actually dance circles around it, and sometimes he will even crane his neck to try and look distracted. It is a sight to behold.

Reviewer: The Jackson Motel
Although Michael only stayed with us for two nights, he came to the desk at least four times requesting extra rolls of toilet paper. It’s best not to even think about what he was doing in there. He also asked for a room “with a view,” as if this were a Ritz-Carlton that looks over a fancy park, and not a roadside motel that faces a KFC. But all in all, Michael was an okay guest. He didn’t stain his bed sheets too badly, never complained that his room lacked hot water (which leads one to suspect that he neglected to shower), and did not protest the fact that his pay-per-view pornography bill nearly doubled the price of his stay.