Chained-Up Guy #1: Where am I? What is happening?
Chained-Up Guy #2: I think we’re in one of those Saw movies.
Chained-Up Guy #1: You may be right. We’re both chained to pipes and there’s a hacksaw on each of our laps and a dead guy in the middle of the floor in this windowless, feces-covered room. Definitely Saw.
Chained-Up Guy #2: I thought they were done with these things.
Chained-Up Guy #1: Wait, that clock on the wall say it’s the year 2019? My memory is foggy, but I think the last thing I remember was the Cubs winning the World Series. That was 2016. I guess I have a lot to catch up on!
Chained-Up Guy #2: Oh no, dude. You’re not gonna like this but….
Chained- Up Guy #1: Alright, here comes that creepy Billy the Puppet guy. Maybe he will tell us what’s going on.
Billy the Puppet: Donald Trump is president.
Chained-Up Guy #2: There it is.
Chained-Up Guy #1: Good one, Billy.
Chained-Up Guy #2: This is gonna get ugly.
Chained-Up Guy #1: Wait, what’s this in my pants? Why, it’s a printed-out tweet from Trump. This looks legitimate. Trump misspelled the word “Republicans.”
Chained-Up Guy #2: I can’t believe you’ve been blacked out since 2016. Lucky.
Chained-Up Guy #1: Oh dear. Billy has turned on a super old, black-and-white television with spotty reception. It looks like there’s a montage of Trump being sworn in, appointing two Supreme Court justices, withdrawing from the Paris Agreement, spearheading the passing of a sweeping tax bill that overwhelmingly benefits the rich, and nonchalantly brushing off meddling in the upcoming election. And, oh I see, there are children in cages.
Chained-Up Guy #2: Yeah. Sorry, bro.
Chained-Up Guy #1: Ah! There’s a cellphone in my pocket that’s ringing. What could this be? Is my family okay? Holy cow. The shadowy figure on the other line is saying that Kanye West released a gospel album? And that there’s an entire song about Chick-fil-A on it? I’m hanging up.
Chained-Up Guy #2: It’s actually not all that bad.
Chained-Up Guy #1: I don’t think that guy in the middle of the floor is dead.
Not Dead Guy: The U.S. has bungled the Syria situation, there are fires consuming California, Joe Biden is leading the Democratic primary polls, Deadspin has been killed by private equity geniuses and tourists are crowding a Bronx neighborhood to pretend they’re the Joker dancing on some stairs.
Chained-Up Guy #1: I can’t listen to this anymore. I’m cutting my foot off with this saw and making a run for it.
Chained-Up Guy #2: Good luck, dude. I’m staying right here.