Things Not to Say to the Man I Just Started Dating*

“You probably don’t recognize me with pants on.”

“Did you get all the pictures of everything I ingested today?”

“What do you mean you don’t like being tickled?”

“Want anything from the coffee shop across the street? I’m heading over there to defecate.”

“Let’s role-play True Detective during sex. I’ll mumble a bunch of things and you can ignore them.”

“I’m in the process of lasering all the hair off my body.”

“Do you think your apartment is large enough for us to raise a child?”

“Can we address quiffing real quick?”

“So, should I count you in for all holiday dinners?”

[Post sex] “Way to go, champ.” [Motions for a high-five.] “Up top!”

“What are your thoughts on a Disney wedding?”

“I sweat like Alec Baldwin in The Departed.”

“You haven’t seen my mood stabilizers anywhere, have you?”

“Trust me, there’s not a chance I’ll be able to maintain my current weight.”

“I have the funniest story to tell you. Wait, you’re not Jewish, right? Or even the tiniest bit Pacific Islander?”

“I went thong shopping and had a hard time deciding if I was a small or a medium. Not because I think I have a big ass. But because I think I have a big vagina.”

“Does this look infected?”

“I’m not entirely positive, but I think I just accidently ate one of your home accents.”

“Huh. When you said you wanted to see me, I assumed you meant forever.”

 

*(But Already Have)