To Set

Dear Neighbors,

Ecosphere Productions is currently in its third season of “Do Not Cross,” a police procedural drama set in New York City. We will be filming on this block tomorrow and will be clearing and holding parking spots for the production’s equipment. Please be advised that if you park on the north side of the street, your car will be towed at the first sign of daybreak. If you park on the south side, it will be detonated.

Our equipment will include a battery of hulking grey trucks, each capable of carrying enough electrical wire to extend back to the Coast, as well as an assemblage of vaguely creepy trailers. We also plan on erecting the saddest craft service table history has ever witnessed, placed on the sidewalk primarily to discourage passersby from dreaming about a life in the movies. Tomorrow’s featured entrées are off-brand Ritz crackers and recently expired coffee creamers.

The scene we are filming depicts an actor exiting a taxi and casually walking into a building. So, it’s a particularly demanding shot. We will begin preparations at dawn and plan to roll around suppertime. The episode takes place on a sunny summer morning, which is why we chose to shoot it on a gloomy October night. To create the illusion of daytime, we will be illuminating the entire block with a spotlight that approximates the incandescence of the sun itself. (Remember to wear protective sunglasses when traversing the area.)

The shoot will feature nobody famous or even remotely recognizable. All the people who look like they spent the day under a hooded hair dryer are actors portraying gritty undercover cops, while all the people who look like gritty undercover cops are members of the production crew.

For those of you with young children, know that, technically, watching us film will count toward their screentime allotment.

Every actor will carry a minimum of seven Anthora coffee cups. We are well aware that the cups have more or less vanished from New York at this point, along with the Greek diners that spawned them. This is mostly because the manufacturer cannot meet the demand from movies and TV shows that are set in New York and its many authentic Greek diners.

Each end of the block will be staunchly guarded by a 21-year-old wearing an officious-looking headset. These are our production’s interns, and we ask that you treat them with compassion as they earn college credit and learn about our industry. But know that, if you so much as think of entering the shot while we are rolling, they are authorized to stun you with a Taser gun.

Pedestrians are strongly discouraged from fleeing the havoc wreaked by our production by crossing to the other side of the avenue: Another film crew will be shooting a completely different program on that block, so it will be closed off, too. Please note that their set is so exacting to the standards of 1957 that by entering the shoot’s fragile ecosystem you will be considered a time traveler, carrying with you germs from the future.

If you happen to live on the lot—or “neighborhood,” as we are encouraged to call it—you have likely seen our show filming enough times that you can follow its various plot twists without actually having watched the program on TV. For those following, here’s a spoiler alert: In all likelihood, tomorrow’s shoot will never make it to air.