Women and men are the same. If they’re different, then why did God give them identical genitalia?

Nobody’s really named Jessica.

Have you ever looked at the sun, I mean really stared at it?

You can yell, “Land, ho!” just about anywhere.

My money’s no good at McDonald’s.

I bet when you first brush your teeth, the bristles tickle you, and then, “Ow, ow, ow.”

I write right-side up; what, you thought I had a space pen?

This artist thrives on busy work.

Why am I hitting myself?

I prefer the moon to the sun. I’ll take the moon, then.

Later in life, I meet a locksmith.

If you don’t like silica gel, then there’s something the matter with you.

If you like chicken fingers…

The sun is portable, but only during the day. I take the sun with me on walks.

What if the CNN correspondents started calling Wolf Blitzer “woof”?

Life in the city is so hard. Once, I got so exasperated yelling out, “taxi,” that I started yelling out, “raxi.” Do you believe I hailed a raxi? The ride was smooth, the panthers fierce and sturdy, and the seats tasted like nutmeg.

Sleep lovers: light on or off?

If you are good at the piano, it should feel like you are eating the piano. Like road, or like rocky road ice cream. The blues musician eats the recording equipment. Hence, he eats while he plays. He is a consummate performer.

I heard Vladimir Horowitz once killed a guy and couldn’t figure out where to bury the body.

You drive a hard bargain.

If you’re gonna be a singer-typist, you have to find the audience that relishes typing.

I have a new one-hour standup special. Did I tell you I do yoga? I’m a clinical psychologist. I love women.

I’m traumatized by first meetings. Our eyes meet. Already I’m in love with you.

There’s a really good brunch place on ______ Street.

Everyone’s a beautiful genius, but we’re all just lazy.

They said you were high class well that was just a lie.