“What You Looking At?” A Response

A cherished query of bullies across the globe, the age-old aphorism “What you looking at?” proves as challenging to answer as it is provocative to ask. What follows are a few responses that have been professionally tested on gritty urban streets over a number of years. Please note that although our rebuttals may have tested well in circumventing beatings, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IS GUARANTEED. Street bullies are like snowflakes: Each one is a unique individual. While they may ask the same question, they’re not necessarily all looking for the same response.

Answer #1

“Nothing.”
(also: “Nothing, man.”)

Human instinct will naturally lead a neophyte pedestrian to offer this relatively flimsy retort. While on the surface it appears to be a decent response—innocuous and noncommittal, it hardly screams “sucker punch my thorax”—very often we find the non-answer to lead straight into a bully’s masterfully woven spider web. It’s a classic a-b-c-d scenario:

a) The bully makes the initial conversational gambit by asking, “What you lookin’ at?”
b) Surprised at the unexpected verbal contact, you reply with the word “nothing.”
c) Upon hearing that you are looking at what you believe to be “nothing,” the bully misconstrues your reticence as a personal insult. “You calling me nothing?” he asks.
d) The bully beats you severely.

Answer #2

“What are you looking at?”

For the most part, street ruffians are not the keenest of earth’s species. By turning their rhetorical query around, you can cause great consternation and perhaps even shed light on the basic meaningless inherent to their line of questioning.

Answer #3

“My mother is a cheap whore.”

The rebuttal from which we first made our name, this response has endured over the years with a remarkable 90–95% success rate in avoiding the fist. Curt, quick, and to the point, it tells the bully exactly what he wants to hear…shaming your family pride but keeping your face intact. Just remember:

—DO NOT TRUST CHEAP IMITATIONS. “My mother is a crack-smoking bitch,” “My father has trouble with simple arithmetic,” and “My parents wanted to abort me but couldn’t afford the procedure because they are gutter trash” have all proved erratic and confusing.

–If the bully appears flustered, do not hesitate to clearly repeat the sentence.

–If you feel your bully demands more than five words, refer to our extended retort (addressed below in Answer #4).

–Perhaps most important, MAKE SURE TO EMPHASIZE THE WORD “MY.”

Answer #4

“My mother is a cheap whore, as is my girlfriend, who is very fat and ugly and not as pretty as your one is, and even though I said she’s pretty I didn’t sleep with her because I am common street trash and she would never have me and I don’t deserve to walk on the same side of the road as you and that is why I am crossing to the other side as I speak.”

Consider this our Fudge Covered Oreo. It is too excessive to ever replace our classic (“My mother is a cheap whore”). But it may be just what your stomach needs in select situations. Say, if your bully seems the verbal type, or if he seems interested in noting more than your mother’s sexual promiscuousness.

Answer #5

“What am I looking at? The blow-job king of [insert city name].”
[Note: As you recite the line, you must expose your fully erect penis.]

They say you cannot hit a man in glasses. This is obviously not the case, as a mere scanning of statistics charting the overwhelmingly high percentage of beating victims who rely on spectacles proves. But you cannot strike a man whose unit is exposed, particularly when it is fully erect. This is the code of the streets. This retort is particularly recommended for the bellicose, impudent, and well-endowed.